Mikachu · nu

I was in the Air Force. Now that I’ve been a civilian for over 2 years, it almost feels like I didn’t serve in the military at all. The only thing that reminds me is the fact that I receive a disability check once a month (I won’t go into that) and all of the friends & coworkers I have on my Facebook that are still in.

I experienced a lot of struggles and stress while I served, but I’m proud to have served and to have that experience under my belt. I’m actually sad that I wasn’t able to serve longer. It’s an invaluable life experience that not a lot of people feel comfortable enough to give themselves to go through (or don’t agree).

Strangely enough, the fondest memories I have will always be of boot camp. It wasn’t fun, per se, nor is it something I’d necessarily want to re-experience, but certain mornings I’ll be reminded of how it was in San Antonio, Texas in the summer, having to work out or march around at the butt crack of dawn. Nobody but Air Force boot camp trainees will understand how GOOD chow hall food is at Lackland. Nobody knows if it’s because you think you’re always hungry, but for some reason the food is just better.

The girls in my flight never managed to work together and there was too much drama for my liking. That’s not uncommon, though. Girls tend to be out for themselves in situations like that.

I know how to iron, starch, fold, and roll my clothes. I know effective ways of sweeping large areas of floor as well as fold hospital corners on a bed. I managed the highest academic test score in my flight. It’s kind of amazing that I managed to pass through and even obtain Honor Graduate at the end of it all when I always considered myself average at best.

I’m proud to be an Air Force veteran, even if people make fun of me for it sometimes (I’m sure you’ve all heard of the “chair force” joke, etc.), and especially since people doubted I’d even do it or manage to get through it! So ha! Take that!

This makes me happy because my parents, after 26+ years, are still very in love and when they’re separating, it brings tears to their eyes. To be honest, it’s a bittersweet photo since it was taken on the day my dad was deploying to Iraq, they day after New Year’s day. My dad came home this past Saturday and my mom was very excited to have him home. I’m very lucky to have the parents I do, and that makes me happy

I decided that since I finished reading my latest book, I’d go through and read the letters I received from the husband and best friend and others during my time in boot camp and tech school. I don’t think it did me any good, though. It just made me realize how different things are now and not really in a good way.

The letters from the husband were so full of love and want. He put so many little things in the margins and headers – quotes, lyrics, sayings. There were lists of songs he listened to that reminded him of me, and a list of reasons as to why he listened to those songs. It’s so hard to believe that all of that is just… gone. We married as we said we were going to, but when things actually got tough, we were no longer the pillars of strength we promised we would be for one another.

I ended up shattering his trust terribly. Even though I had trust issues with him – at least he hadn’t done what I did. It really all did start with what I did and it’s been all downhill from there.

As far other letters, my best friend was so proud of me for going into the service. She looked up to and supported me. Now, she pokes fun at me. I served in the Air Force and sat in an office chair for the majority of the time. I couldn’t pass my PT test and was discharged because of it and ended up with disability for a few “lame” things. I never saw combat. It hurts.

I feel like I’ve lost all the respect I earned during those months. People thought I was crazy when I mentioned I wanted to join the Air Force, but when I did they were proud of me. I was proud of me. I wasn’t the most amazing Airman, but I made it through when people doubted I could! When I doubted I could! I worked hard at what I accomplished and I was fairly successful during my service, even when my weaknesses caught up with me and proved to be my downfall.

I went in knowing that my physical fitness would always be a hurdle for me to try and get over. I was never a runner and my upper body strength is mediocre at best. It only became too much for me to overcome when I gained so much weight out of nowhere and couldn’t get it off. The only thing I managed to consistently kick butt at was sit-ups.

I kicked butt when it came to the academics. I scored the highest on the academic test in my flight in boot camp. I did consistently above average during my time in tech school (except in the later blocks of training when I had a mediocre instructor or two).

I’ve lost my strength, my sense of self and I’ve lost respect for myself, alongside the respect of others I’m sure (it seems, at least).

I just keep wondering how it all went so wrong? How can I make it right again? I want my happiness back.