Tag: memories

This Sick Strange Darkness

After I read a comment Kylie left on my lest entry1, I realized that my disconnect from radio & TV might be more significant than I realize. I don’t know what’s currently popular or new other than anything posted on my Facebook news feed from friends. Because of that, I decided to listen to one of the radio stations I’d be listening to if I were driving around in L.A.. I walked out of using my bathroom to hear a familiar beginning to a song and my first reaction was “I need to answer my phone!”. It was Blink-182′s “I Miss You” which was the ringtone for my ex for quite a while. Talk about an inadvertent slap from reality.

That leads me to the simple statement that I just don’t like life lately. I feel like I keep getting thrown these minor curve balls and it’s just enough to keep me struggling without being obvious about it. I’m progressing in my friendships at work and had planned on going out with a group of them on Thursday night and I was scheduled to close and I rarely am scheduled closing shifts. I’ve tried to swap with a coworker or give it away, but I’ve had no luck. I thought things were going well with bills and then I find out that unless something is taken care of by me or auto-deduct, it’s not being paid and apparently the ex just can’t handle living on a budget so things are constantly behind, even though he keeps adding on to his expenses. This is the biggest reason this divorce needs to be finalized so I can completely separate myself from his irresponsible ass and get my life on track.

A life that I’ll pretty much be starting from scratch. It’s looking like I’ll end up moving back in with my parents once the lease is up here. It’s proving difficult to find a room to rent within a decent distance of work that provides me a decent walking distance and/or access to the bus. Affordability is no concern in this ear, it’s availability and transportation. God, I miss having a car at my disposal.

I was chatting with my friend, Nessa, and she brought up how fortunate I am to have my family to always fall back on and it’s so true. There’s been no amount of help and support I’ve been denied from them for most of my life and it’s definitely been true since getting the divorce papers and being screwed on virtually everything that’s been tied to my marriage. It prompted me to realize that I’m stuck going back & forth between feeling so damn grateful for what I do have that others don’t and feeling sorry for my super shitty situation.

On a different note, the annual family vacation to the Silver Lake Resort is approaching very quickly! That’ll be a great getaway without having to worry about anything. I seriously can’t wait. I’m starting to feel more optimistic already. Time… Time heals all… I just have to remember that sometimes.

  1. Albeit, 7 days late… ↩
Author name:
Discussion:
1 Comment

Can You Play Me A Memory?

One of the memories I have of my youth is staying up into the wee hours of the morning on the computer, usually on Active Worlds or messing around on my website. As much as I hate being awake when the sun rises, that doesn’t mean I haven’t spent many a morning greeting my parents when they woke for work. Of course, this wasn’t when school was in session, but during the summer or even winter breaks. The sound of talk radio turning on and the shower as my dad got ready for work, followed by the scent of fresh brewing coffee. Sometimes I wouldn’t be up on the computer, but simply watching TV in my room once I finally got a cable box. I would end up captivated by the various infomercials, but often times I’d end up on one of the music channel’s seemingly endless music video programs1 and just watch HOURS of music videos.

Early in my music collecting and downloading, I was perfectly content and delighted in downloading individual songs I discovered on these shows, on the radio, in movies or TV shows. Who needs a whole album of any particular artist when you have a pretty awesome jumbled natural playlist of music? Only the specific songs you wanted and love… I loved just letting my Winamp play ongoing while shuffling through my entire music collection at the time. I don’t think I’d let my iTunes go off on that kind of musical tangent without having to skip tons of songs that I just don’t care so much for.

Less than 10 years ago, I was happy with my albums on CD and my individual song collection on my computer. Of course, I have plenty of albums now that I absolutely love in their entirety! However, they’re not the majority.

Music aside, I’m kind of reliving a fond memory of mine. There are some specific aspects that could occur to make them even more fond and specific, but that would require a good handful of people I haven’t been in contact with for years and and entire’s day & night recreation. A lot of music was a part of that memory too. Funny how that works, huh? Coldplay “In This Place” was specific to that day. I know I sound vague and ridiculous, but I’m just enjoying thinking about a day I hold especially fond in my mind and heart and there’s no reason to really share it in detail. Partially because I don’t feel like typing out the details. Some of it was/is fuzzy due to me pulling an all-nighter prior to and there was a moment of nappage going on later in the day.

Plus, I want to encourage you to think of a fond memory that makes you smile, maybe even tear up a little bit. Is there a specific song that’s associated with that memory? I’d just like to know what song that is :)

  1. Who knew they still existed!? They hide them when nobody sane is up & watching TV! ↩
Author name:
Discussion:
1 Comment

On Sleepless Roads

It’s been quite a while since I’ve driven a decent distance late at night. I used to do it ALL the time when I was younger. Primarily, being young with a driver’s license and a car just pushes you towards going out and doing anything and everything with friends. I can’t count the times I drove so much and would be out so late, I’d be so damned tired driving. Not OF driving, just… tired. Falling asleep, almost. It sounds bad and dangerous, and there may have been a few times where it really was.

The husband and I drove up to my parent’s house for our weekend (which consists of Monday & Tuesday right now) so we could attend the anniversary of a special weekly theme night at our bar here in LA. I didn’t get off work until 10:30pm, so we didn’t actually start heading up until 11pm or so. I took to driving since the husband was up early this morning for work and I slept in way too much.

It was pretty amazing driving so late up the 5/405 freeways and going through the various scales of cities along the way. The way the city lights are still bright as hell, but not as bright as they are earlier in the night. There’s something about the hours between midnight and dawn that puts a significant quiet on everything. You can still sense the bustling life of the cities after dark, but there’s a subtle change that I can feel even when driving around LA late at night where things go just a bit more silent.

There were certain emotions/memories I felt driving through the hills between San Diego and Laguna Hills. Then, reaching Irvine was a different set, next was the Port of Los Angeles/Long Beach. And of course, up over the hills that separate the San Fernando Valley (home) from the major Los Angeles area and driving down, seeing the signs for the 101 interchange.

None of this was without music, of course. A decent mix of songs that just fit for night driving – though, not all on playlist or CD. Putting together a deliberate mix of night driving music has alluded me for quite a while. Those perfect mixes are pretty accidental – considering some may come off of a movie soundtrack, a mixed CD from a friend, or the radio. If you change over from one source to another, looking for an appropriate song or sound to fit how you’re feeling or your surroundings, you risk ruining the flow of how it all comes together in the first place.

Tonight, though I had some angry & melancholy emotions floating through me from time to time, was just right.

Author name:
Discussion:
No Comments