Mikachu · nu

I rang in the new year with a marathon of House. I would have liked to take a coworker’s closing shift, but I started too early and would’ve had two hours of overtime which… wouldn’t have been willingly given, especially since they were sending people home early since it was that slow. I didn’t even stay for my entire 6 hour shift.

I faced some of the same old bullshit from the husband just hours into 2011 after thinking he was fine. It’s forcing me to really consider what I can do for myself to make myself happier and just forget whatever his problems are, because trying to take them on and make myself feel good isn’t going to work. Who wants to be with somebody insecure and isn’t happy? I don’t even want to be with myself. So, that’s my resolution. I’m going to make myself happy. Let’s see how this goes…

As far as recanting the past year, most of it was kind of shitty due to the huge issues in our marriage coming to the surface, his ex-girlfriend popping back into his life, his family finally revealing how much they don’t like me and how little they respect our relationship. Positives were moving down to a beautiful city ¹, loving my new store and coworkers ², I met two awesome girls in person that I’d been getting to know great online and even went out to AZ to say hi for a week and during all this, I’m down 20 pounds from my max.

Is it seriously still New Year’s Day? It feels like another regular day to me.

Tonight was my sister-in-law’s engagement party. Although, I don’t know if she’s actually my sister-in-law considering her dad and the husband’s mom haven’t been married. They’ve been together forEVER though… if California recognized common law marriage, I’m sure they’d fall under that.

The party was very nice. It was held at an aunt’s house which was gorgeous. It’s as nice as a million dollar tract home can get! It’s up on the hills just on the north side of the San Fernando Valley so there’s a pretty great view from the backyard. It was catered (informally so) and come the toasts, it made me really wish the husband and I had gone the traditional route instead of just up and eloping, leaving everyone else in the dust. I know wedding festivities get expensive, but it’s the whole making those memories with family & friends as the date approaches.

Our two families didn’t really get to know one another until way after we were married. We don’t have photos of us smiling like goofs, happy to be approaching that ceremonious day… I know a lot of people actually prefer that, but I’m kind of a traditionalist and would have loved to be fawned over and bring the families and friends together over the love my husband and I have for each other. It’s a bummer to me.

Don’t worry, though, I don’t spend my time dwelling on the lost memories (and gifts and debt lol) that a wedding would have brought. It’s only when it comes up for others that I feel that whim of loss. Of course, I’m excited for the betrothed! My SIL and her fiance are adorable together. They compliment one another so well! It’s almost gross how cute they are lol.

I do have it in the back of my mind that I’ll get a celebration near one of our upcoming anniversaries in the form of a vow renewal. Not this year, but maybe next year. This year would’ve been nice since it’ll be our 5th wedding anniversary (OMG!) and it would’ve been a nice milestone to celebrate in that fashion, but every year is a milestone for us at this rate! We were married at 19 & 18 (me & him, respectively), so that puts us at a disadvantage since I’ve already seen a handful of young marriages end. We’ve had our issues and we’re still working things through, so really, I’m taking it day-by-day at this point.

I’d say a big thing going in our favor is we don’t have children yet to think & stress about while we’re working on things together.

PS: NINETEEN DAYS UNTIL MY BIRFDAY! It’s now officially AUGUST :D

The past few weeks have been very trying for me. Some serious issues came to a head in my relationship. I’ve felt out of control of everything suddenly. Things have been tough for both of us with the moving, transitioning to a new work place, amongst other things.

In the process of finding ways of working things out in the relationship, I’ve come to the realization (with the help of personalized feedback, reading and reflection) that I do have control. I have control over what I can do for myself.

For instance, today, thanks to my BFF, I’ve become that kind of person that seems to always have something physically wrong with them – and I make it known. Almost every ache, pain & ill I experience, I whine about it. I’ve hated these types of people for as long as I can remember and I’ve morphed into one of them. Just because I’m feeling under the weather or achey, I don’t need to whine about it. Nobody wants to hear about it. I’ll take care of myself the best I can and work through it – just like anybody else. There’s no point in dwelling on something that’ll pass within hours or days.

Something else I need to work on is taking the initiative to do anything productive. Working out, making phone calls, and doing anything else that could be productive.

While working on my weaknesses, it’ll help to remember my strengths which include my compassion, intelligence (which is random lol), and resilience.

Overall, being a stronger, more assertive and more independent person may help my relationship, but it will definitely help me as my own person ultimately. Working on the root of most of my problems can only change all of the smaller ones and things should fall into place, one way or another.

What are some of your strengths? What’s something you’re working on improving about yourself?

I’ve been having issues with WordPress for a couple of weeks now. One issues turned out to be one my host’s end and once they knew about it, it was remedied very quickly. Another issues may have been a corrupt script (or plugin) that added some strange numbered .php files and a couple I couldn’t delete on my own. Now, after having unistalled & reinstalled WordPress, I’m still having issues getting it to connect to my FTP server. It’s all been quite frustrating.

Other than that, not much else is new except my husband and I are trying to work through some of our issues in our relationship. We’re finally going to counseling, through his childhood priest. Our medical insurance doesn’t cover couples/marriage counseling, so this is the cheaper alternative, and I think it’ll be beneficial for him to get back in touch with his church. I know being closer with God helps me out a lot. I’d love to find a church and start going. Considering we’re both Christian in the fundamental sense, we couldn’t be more different on how we practice and see our faith. That’s what happens when one person is Catholic in a fairly traditional sense and the other is non-denominational and more celebratory/spiritual about it.

I’ve been to a couple of Catholic services with him, but for the most part I felt pretty strange and awkward, especially when it came to Communion. Since I’m not Catholic, I’m not supposed to take their Communion, and I haven’t – but Devin didn’t tell me I didn’t have to stand in line with my hands crossed over my chest and could’ve stayed in the pew. Being the only person over 4 feet in line doing that, I was feeling mighty awkward!

Our first sit-down with the priest is on Wednesday. I’m curious as to how it’ll go. I really hope it gets him to open up. I’m usually the one talking with him giving me the classic guy “I don’t know.”

With all this relationship stuff going on, needless to say I feel disconnected and down. We’ll see how things go.