Tag: marriage

This Sick Strange Darkness

After I read a comment Kylie left on my lest entry1, I realized that my disconnect from radio & TV might be more significant than I realize. I don’t know what’s currently popular or new other than anything posted on my Facebook news feed from friends. Because of that, I decided to listen to one of the radio stations I’d be listening to if I were driving around in L.A.. I walked out of using my bathroom to hear a familiar beginning to a song and my first reaction was “I need to answer my phone!”. It was Blink-182′s “I Miss You” which was the ringtone for my ex for quite a while. Talk about an inadvertent slap from reality.

That leads me to the simple statement that I just don’t like life lately. I feel like I keep getting thrown these minor curve balls and it’s just enough to keep me struggling without being obvious about it. I’m progressing in my friendships at work and had planned on going out with a group of them on Thursday night and I was scheduled to close and I rarely am scheduled closing shifts. I’ve tried to swap with a coworker or give it away, but I’ve had no luck. I thought things were going well with bills and then I find out that unless something is taken care of by me or auto-deduct, it’s not being paid and apparently the ex just can’t handle living on a budget so things are constantly behind, even though he keeps adding on to his expenses. This is the biggest reason this divorce needs to be finalized so I can completely separate myself from his irresponsible ass and get my life on track.

A life that I’ll pretty much be starting from scratch. It’s looking like I’ll end up moving back in with my parents once the lease is up here. It’s proving difficult to find a room to rent within a decent distance of work that provides me a decent walking distance and/or access to the bus. Affordability is no concern in this ear, it’s availability and transportation. God, I miss having a car at my disposal.

I was chatting with my friend, Nessa, and she brought up how fortunate I am to have my family to always fall back on and it’s so true. There’s been no amount of help and support I’ve been denied from them for most of my life and it’s definitely been true since getting the divorce papers and being screwed on virtually everything that’s been tied to my marriage. It prompted me to realize that I’m stuck going back & forth between feeling so damn grateful for what I do have that others don’t and feeling sorry for my super shitty situation.

On a different note, the annual family vacation to the Silver Lake Resort is approaching very quickly! That’ll be a great getaway without having to worry about anything. I seriously can’t wait. I’m starting to feel more optimistic already. Time… Time heals all… I just have to remember that sometimes.

  1. Albeit, 7 days late… ↩
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Le Sigh

It has been over a month since I last blogged and that blog was paid for. I can’t even blame it on “life” happening because I honestly am not constantly on the go. I do have a steady social life in various mediums and on different settings, but the amount of time I sit at home, on my ass, on this computer doing absolutely nothing but chuckling and ಠ_ಠ on Reddit or YouTube is kind of ridiculous. The most productive thing I’ve managed to do is thoroughly clean my apartment’s living room. It’s seriously so clean, you guys!! I even vacuumed. Yeah, take THAT in.

I haven’t blogged because that means I have to actually think about my life and then I start having minor panic attacks on the inside. Things aren’t serious enough for them to manifest outside of my mind and chest, but I might shed a tear or two. You mean I have to think about the state of my relationship with my (ex)husband? Ew. Or how about the fact that I find my cat so damn annoying lately? I’m plagued by a lot of negative thoughts the past couple of weeks. I’m definitely on a downswing and it seems to coincide with others – or I just shines through more so than anything positive others have to say. There have been an inordinate amount of break-ups the past few weeks, though. That’s sad. I really don’t want to turn this return into a bitch fest, though, so…

Back in mid-April I visited friends & family in L.A. and I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain for the first time in YEARS with my brother and his girlfriend. It was great. They’d just opened the park to weekday use and for being so early in the season, virtually every coaster that was open was walk-on. For having spent so many years having not been on a roller coaster, that was damn amazing.

…

I think I should trademark the heavy sigh. I seem to do it even unintentionally and people wonder what’s wrong. Now that my mind’s gone blank, I’ll just leave this post at… The End.

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I’m A Birdplane

Check me out I’m a birdplane! It just so happens that the Glee channel on Pandora has Axis of Awesome playing right now :lol: I can not count how many times this theme has had updates available. That’s just some randomness for you.

This weekend I got the change to go to the wedding of a cousin I hadn’t seen in over 10 years. She’s my mom’s niece and since my dad and brother were off doing their Air Natural Guard duty weekend, I was my mom’s date. It was a very short and small ceremony at her house followed with a lot of drinking. I had a lot of tequila in the form of both shots and margaritas. Subsequently, I managed to forget to double check if I had my phone with me when my mom and I left the next morning. I did remember to bring with me the bouquet I caught! It’s the first bouquet toss I was able to participate in and I caught it by a finger against the groom’s 15 year old daughter. There were no single men of eligible age to catch the garter, just a toddler and 9 & 6 year old haha. The bouquet was a simple arrangement of white carnations and baby’s breath wrapped in white ribbon and bow.

The first time I could catch the bouquet and I did... By a finger and against a 15 year old lol

I picked up a Droid X2 from a couple on Craigslist. I was just dying without a phone. I managed to survive over a week without a phone back in October, but I just couldn’t deal this time around. Hopefully I’ll eventually get my Thunderbolt back from my cousin1, but until then, I’m just glad to have a smartphone in my possession.

You know what’s NOT in my possession? My own car. I had to give my parents’ car back so now it’s back to sharing with Devin again. Let’s see how this goes… :|

53/366 - jess and I! 54/366 - I can only kind of taste the mustard :-( 55/366 - a lunch I can taste! 56/366 - I missed a picture yesterday. For that, I am angry lol. 57/366 - A couple of new rings :-) 58/366 - My pillows finally performed a coup. 59/366 - The pedicure I decided to give myself instead of going to sleep. 60/366 - I thought I'd make up for missing a shot by doing two on the leap day. My painted fingernails! 61/366 - Gunny is having fun 62/366 - Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm. 63/366 - wedding time! 64/366 - Goodbye nail polish. It's back to work... 65/366 - Just some nail polish.

  1. If she gets back to me on Facebook. ↩
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One Down, 364 To Go

I rang in the new year with a marathon of House. I would have liked to take a coworker’s closing shift, but I started too early and would’ve had two hours of overtime which… wouldn’t have been willingly given, especially since they were sending people home early since it was that slow. I didn’t even stay for my entire 6 hour shift.

I faced some of the same old bullshit from the husband just hours into 2011 after thinking he was fine. It’s forcing me to really consider what I can do for myself to make myself happier and just forget whatever his problems are, because trying to take them on and make myself feel good isn’t going to work. Who wants to be with somebody insecure and isn’t happy? I don’t even want to be with myself. So, that’s my resolution. I’m going to make myself happy. Let’s see how this goes…

As far as recanting the past year, most of it was kind of shitty due to the huge issues in our marriage coming to the surface, his ex-girlfriend popping back into his life, his family finally revealing how much they don’t like me and how little they respect our relationship. Positives were moving down to a beautiful city 1, loving my new store and coworkers 2, I met two awesome girls in person that I’d been getting to know great online and even went out to AZ to say hi for a week ;) and during all this, I’m down 20 pounds from my max.

Is it seriously still New Year’s Day? It feels like another regular day to me.

  1. Even if it this is Padres country. ↩
  2. Even if the accents are more difficult to understand. ↩
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You and Me Together

Tonight was my sister-in-law’s engagement party. Although, I don’t know if she’s actually my sister-in-law considering her dad and the husband’s mom haven’t been married. They’ve been together forEVER though… if California recognized common law marriage, I’m sure they’d fall under that.

The party was very nice. It was held at an aunt’s house which was gorgeous. It’s as nice as a million dollar tract home can get! It’s up on the hills just on the north side of the San Fernando Valley so there’s a pretty great view from the backyard. It was catered (informally so) and come the toasts, it made me really wish the husband and I had gone the traditional route instead of just up and eloping, leaving everyone else in the dust. I know wedding festivities get expensive, but it’s the whole making those memories with family & friends as the date approaches.

Our two families didn’t really get to know one another until way after we were married. We don’t have photos of us smiling like goofs, happy to be approaching that ceremonious day… I know a lot of people actually prefer that, but I’m kind of a traditionalist and would have loved to be fawned over and bring the families and friends together over the love my husband and I have for each other. It’s a bummer to me.

Don’t worry, though, I don’t spend my time dwelling on the lost memories (and gifts and debt lol) that a wedding would have brought. It’s only when it comes up for others that I feel that whim of loss. Of course, I’m excited for the betrothed! My SIL and her fiance are adorable together. They compliment one another so well! It’s almost gross how cute they are lol.

I do have it in the back of my mind that I’ll get a celebration near one of our upcoming anniversaries in the form of a vow renewal. Not this year, but maybe next year. This year would’ve been nice since it’ll be our 5th wedding anniversary (OMG!) and it would’ve been a nice milestone to celebrate in that fashion, but every year is a milestone for us at this rate! We were married at 19 & 18 (me & him, respectively), so that puts us at a disadvantage since I’ve already seen a handful of young marriages end. We’ve had our issues and we’re still working things through, so really, I’m taking it day-by-day at this point.

I’d say a big thing going in our favor is we don’t have children yet to think & stress about while we’re working on things together.

PS: NINETEEN DAYS UNTIL MY BIRFDAY! It’s now officially AUGUST :D

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