Mikachu · nu

For the past few days I have been feeling quite tired. I couldn’t understand really why since I’m not sick and I haven’t been doing anything differently at work or socially. It does make sense, though, with the personal stuff I’ve got going on. One can only stay so strong until it starts wearing you down. I think I’m just worn down.

I’m sitting comfy with my awesome Snuggie-like thing and about ready to get some Grey’s Anatomy and more Charmed watched. I may even watch Twilight. I am looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow since I don’t have work until 5pm.

Wise words of encouragement that my dad has been telling me since I joined the Air Force in 2005. I sometimes forget it, but it brings me back to what matters when I finally remember.

I’m still battling hurt and angry feelings all the while trying to figure out how to keep drama at bay on my end. It’s quite hard to figure out how to balance that. I’ve expressed hurt and anger in, really, as civilized manner as anyone could¹, I’m not being fought for and I’m made to feel like the bad guy so I need to “stop” and start “acting like an adult”. What am I supposed to do? Calmly go up to them and tell them how I feel and expect an apology? Perhaps I could have tried that, but I’ve almost always been able to tell when and with whom that would work, and it wasn’t here, with them.

That last phrase has really ruffled some feathers of mine lately. To be honest, there isn’t any particular guideline for acting like one when it comes to stuff like this. Yes, there are obviously childish ways of handling things and there are ways to increase the drama tenfold, but I don’t think I’ve been particularly guilty of those. My friends have told me I’ve handled it all so much better and with much more restraint than they would’ve, so why am I made to feel like I’m in the wrong? It makes me that much more angrier.

In the meantime, I broke the husband’s phone so he’s had mine and I’ll hopefully have a new one by Tuesday. Thank God for insurance! We’ve never paid into it before, but the husband was smart since we got our Android phones and opted in. It’s already been used once.

Work is going. I’m feeling much more confident and capable in the position I’m trying to get my raise in. Since one of our shift managers had his baby early and is on paternity leave, we’ve had to borrow other higher levels from other stores. The last night I worked, it was pretty hectic and the two guys both made comments that it looks like I’m ready for my raise or they wouldn’t believe I didn’t have it already. I was nervous when my manager told me she’d have to observe me with a strong cook during a rush and I didn’t think I’d be ready. I think I am. As long as I stay focused to getting the job done and keep my priorities in order!

I guess now would be a good time to finish laundry… All the folding & hanging & putting away of it. Blech.

BTW, How do you deal with drama that comes your way? Have any tips?

I’ve never thought of myself as angry person, but I’ve realized that I’ve felt a lot of anger over the past few years. Not to mention, I seem to let myself feel it more easily than I ever have before. I hate it. Anger is such an exhausting emotion for me. I don’t understand how people can be so angry all the time and be so comfortable holding onto it.

Right now, I’m angry with things I can’t control. Customers at work, the status quo… Like, seriously, I’m angry with these things? I used to pride myself on letting shit roll off my back like water on a duck’s feathers. I think that’s why I ended up with a diagnosis of mild-to-moderate depression as I was getting out of the Air Force. I became so angry with things and my body wasn’t used to it so it just fucked me up beyond what I could handle on my own. After going on Zoloft, it helped me a lot. I haven’t been on it in months due to an expired prescription and a lapse in health insurance, but I believe I need to be back on it.

I don’t want to be angry and I shouldn’t be if I can somehow control – if not on my own, than with medication. I’m fine with that. It’s not simply being angry because something didn’t go right, because while I’ll be angry if something doesn’t go right, I can get over it in a short time. It’s when I’m sucked dry emotionally that it’s a problem.

I grew up with angst. Classic teenage angst. A combination of being angry with the world in general and sadness. Classic dumb shit. That is so not the game being played now.

How do you keep from exhausting yourself emotionally?

It’s been quite a while since I’ve driven a decent distance late at night. I used to do it ALL the time when I was younger. Primarily, being young with a driver’s license and a car just pushes you towards going out and doing anything and everything with friends. I can’t count the times I drove so much and would be out so late, I’d be so damned tired driving. Not OF driving, just… tired. Falling asleep, almost. It sounds bad and dangerous, and there may have been a few times where it really was.

The husband and I drove up to my parent’s house for our weekend (which consists of Monday & Tuesday right now) so we could attend the anniversary of a special weekly theme night at our bar here in LA. I didn’t get off work until 10:30pm, so we didn’t actually start heading up until 11pm or so. I took to driving since the husband was up early this morning for work and I slept in way too much.

It was pretty amazing driving so late up the 5/405 freeways and going through the various scales of cities along the way. The way the city lights are still bright as hell, but not as bright as they are earlier in the night. There’s something about the hours between midnight and dawn that puts a significant quiet on everything. You can still sense the bustling life of the cities after dark, but there’s a subtle change that I can feel even when driving around LA late at night where things go just a bit more silent.

There were certain emotions/memories I felt driving through the hills between San Diego and Laguna Hills. Then, reaching Irvine was a different set, next was the Port of Los Angeles/Long Beach. And of course, up over the hills that separate the San Fernando Valley (home) from the major Los Angeles area and driving down, seeing the signs for the 101 interchange.

None of this was without music, of course. A decent mix of songs that just fit for night driving – though, not all on playlist or CD. Putting together a deliberate mix of night driving music has alluded me for quite a while. Those perfect mixes are pretty accidental – considering some may come off of a movie soundtrack, a mixed CD from a friend, or the radio. If you change over from one source to another, looking for an appropriate song or sound to fit how you’re feeling or your surroundings, you risk ruining the flow of how it all comes together in the first place.

Tonight, though I had some angry & melancholy emotions floating through me from time to time, was just right.

This quote is very well known. It may be presented to those who have recently lost a loved one either through distance, a break-up, or death to provide some sort of comfort that in the end, it will have made them a better person for going through the experience at all, no matter how much it hurts now.

It’s also a common question asked on surveys and questionnaires passed around the Internet via e-mail, forums, social networking websites – which would you rather? Most people I know choose the former. They understand the absolute joy that love can bring to their lives even when they’ve experienced the almost inconsolable feeling of loss when it’s gone.

However, not everyone feels love. I don’t think it’s because they just can’t, but because they won’t let themselves. To feel love for or from somebody else, you have to love yourself and it can be very difficult to do that. Even if one reaches the point of loving themselves, they may have built up such a strong wall that prevents anyone from getting in, to protect their efforts of finally building themselves up for the first time, or even for the hundredth time.

Then there are those who allow themselves to feel love so massively that it’s all-consuming and once it’s gone, it takes almost everything they are with it. They feel there’s no other love out there capable of matching up to what they just lost. Those are the ones who may be better off having never loved at all, because they let it consume and destroy them and that, is a very sad situation.

Love is a very strong emotion. It has to be. Just as hate is. They’re on the same end of the spectrum, in my opinion. People often place love & hate opposite each other, but they’re both very strong emotions and often you need to have felt one to know how to feel the other. You need to care to feel either. If an emotion is strong enough, some people will take that strength and put it towards themselves, feeding the betterment of who they are and adding it to their arsenal of life experience. Others, will do the opposite and let it control them and break them down a little, some, significantly or completely. Sometimes you just never know what will end up happening with somebody else, or even yourself.

With as much pain as I know loving others puts people through, and even the pain I’ve experienced, I feel I’m strong enough to continue “putting myself through it”. I love myself enough to know that loving others – regardless of the outcome – will not break me. It has, and will cause cracks, but never enough to crumble who I am. I just wish all others were able to do so as well…