I decided that since I finished reading my latest book, I’d go through and read the letters I received from the husband and best friend and others during my time in boot camp and tech school. I don’t think it did me any good, though. It just made me realize how different things are now and not really in a good way.

The letters from the husband were so full of love and want. He put so many little things in the margins and headers – quotes, lyrics, sayings. There were lists of songs he listened to that reminded him of me, and a list of reasons as to why he listened to those songs. It’s so hard to believe that all of that is just… gone. We married as we said we were going to, but when things actually got tough, we were no longer the pillars of strength we promised we would be for one another.

I ended up shattering his trust terribly. Even though I had trust issues with him – at least he hadn’t done what I did. It really all did start with what I did and it’s been all downhill from there.

As far other letters, my best friend was so proud of me for going into the service. She looked up to and supported me. Now, she pokes fun at me. I served in the Air Force and sat in an office chair for the majority of the time. I couldn’t pass my PT test and was discharged because of it and ended up with disability for a few “lame” things. I never saw combat. It hurts.

I feel like I’ve lost all the respect I earned during those months. People thought I was crazy when I mentioned I wanted to join the Air Force, but when I did they were proud of me. I was proud of me. I wasn’t the most amazing Airman, but I made it through when people doubted I could! When I doubted I could! I worked hard at what I accomplished and I was fairly successful during my service, even when my weaknesses caught up with me and proved to be my downfall.

I went in knowing that my physical fitness would always be a hurdle for me to try and get over. I was never a runner and my upper body strength is mediocre at best. It only became too much for me to overcome when I gained so much weight out of nowhere and couldn’t get it off. The only thing I managed to consistently kick butt at was sit-ups.

I kicked butt when it came to the academics. I scored the highest on the academic test in my flight in boot camp. I did consistently above average during my time in tech school (except in the later blocks of training when I had a mediocre instructor or two).

I’ve lost my strength, my sense of self and I’ve lost respect for myself, alongside the respect of others I’m sure (it seems, at least).

I just keep wondering how it all went so wrong? How can I make it right again? I want my happiness back.