Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I need to forgive myself of my past selfishness. Not so much for having moments of selfishness¹, but the inopportune moments that I allowed it to swallow me up and the embarrassing, rude, hurtful actions that have spawned from it.

Caving into childlike selfishness when I was, indeed, a child. Mourning dramatically over the fact that I was rejected, but used, by my first huge crush? Expected for any girl growing up, but that doesn’t mean I’m not embarrassed over it, especially since I completely neglected one of my best friends when she was going through a difficult time with her family.

How about abandoning another best friend at my first high school so I could satisfy my envy and desire to be with the aforementioned best friend at a different high school? I think things ultimately went well for both of us, but I never really considered how hurt she possibly was when I made the change. Not to mention, another good friend of hers had changed schools shortly before the school year ended and there was a falling out with a 3rd…

Lastly², is the complete shattering of my relationship and trust with the husband. We both need to forgive ourselves and each other for all the wrong we’ve done in this marriage, whether we’re together to do it or not. Most of the forgiveness is reserved for what I did, however.

It’s forgiving myself for letting the ones I’ve loved the most down, because I threw all consideration for them out of the window and went head-first into my selfish desires.

Something you love about yourself.

This was something I was considering for quite a while before I decided to write up this post. Yes, I know it’s not the day after the last, but it is A day. I think I’ll do the “30 days” a little more liberally than sticking with 30 straight days. Again, I was trying to figure out what I love most about myself. There’s a lot of things I like about myself that also proves to be a negative in some situations. Like I’m special? Not really.

I love my resilience. I’ve never considered myself closed off. Growing up, I wanted to be the type of person to be considered mysterious, to have people try and peel away my layers one by one, trying to figure out what I’m all about. I just don’t think that’s who I am, even if I tried. Yes, I have things about me that I don’t want everyone to know, but in general, I’m kind of an open book. No matter who I’ve been hurt by and how, I’m able to jump back into the game without letting much of what one person did to me affect the relationship with the next person. I learn certain lessons, and will definitely be shutting down to the offending members, but I’ve found myself to be unlike my other peers who don’t build up those infamous walls and defenses to keep possible new offenders out.

That might be an invitation to be hurt, especially if I don’t always have the best judge of character. However, I welcome to experience and I’m always eager to learn. Is it strength? Stupidity? Probably a little bit of both… maybe a little more of the other lol

Something you hate about yourself.

This prompt requests for just something I hate about myself. I’ve actually been contemplating what I hate most about myself. There has to be something that links a lot of the things I dislike about myself… And I believe it’s my lack of self-confidence.

I get in my own way all of the damn time, keeping myself from facing and overcoming a lot of the challenges and problems that face me. I can think I’m capable, but something in me prevents from fully taking over and doing all of the things I want and need to do. I end up trying to rely on others to push and force me and support me into doing the more difficult things, having them keep me accountable and if I fail, I can sort of blame them instead of fully having myself to blame. Yes, it helps to have that support, but I too often expect others to have the confidence in me and show it when I can’t do it for myself. That’s not fair to me and definitely not to the ones I love.

For several years now, I’ve firmly believed that when you love somebody, they shouldn’t “complete” you, they should be an extension of you and compliment you, so that if something should happen, you don’t completely lose yourself. I’ve lost myself and though I’ve never been fully confident in myself¹, I know I’ve been more confident in myself than I am right now.