I felt ashamed of how I had made everything harder for myself during that time in training. I decided to focus my energy on hating my 2nd roommate (who was also a classmate) and on being more frustrated with not being able to pass my PT tests when I needed to in order to receive more liberties to go off base, have my curfew extended, etc. Eventually I made the best of my lack of liberty by become a chapel (white) rope. This consisted of me volunteering my time to the Chaplains who were assigned to the training squadrons who helped organize activities on base, in a rec area called The Fishbowl. The activities included game and movie nights, talent shows and other such things that kept us out of trouble (like drinking under age – which was a large problem on base). I eventually made my way to Head white rope and helped to organize other white ropes’ volunteer shifts, promoting the program and activities we did, opening & closing The Fishbowl and other managerial-type duties. I’m proud of myself for that.

However, I didn’t make very many friends within my own squadron and I didn’t try hard enough during my later years in the Air Force to be able to continue my training and go back to Mississippi. The fact is, I spent more time being miserable than being productive and taking control of my inherent laziness to become the best Airman I could be. I excelled in certain areas, but not the ones that really counted in the end.

I’m pretty sure this entry is one large rambling session, but that’s how it feels in my mind. Overall, I’m not happy with all that I’ve done and who I am now. I could be so much more, I could be happier, I could be a whole lot more successful. If only I would stop getting in my own way and letting self-defeat take over. I make mountains of mole hills and unless it’s easy and natural to me, I just end up giving up. This has been true for most of my life and now that I’m older, it’s only more distinct and obvious what my failures are. Even if they’re only apparent to me, they’re there.

“…are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
’cause it’s all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you’re writing your tragedy…

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in…
…it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown”

I never really know what to put under specifics when it comes to duties, abilities, etc. It’s helpful that the Air Force has my job description online so I can use their descriptions, but everything else – especially my short stint with a real estate investor – is a little fuzzy. I can use adjectives and action verbs like crazy, but I’m not a very confident person with my abilities, so to make myself sound AMAZING at what I do/have done is just a little unnatural to me. I can do a lot, most of which I can do fairly well, but I never feel like the best. I’m sure a lot of people feel that way and just like me, sell themselves short, but short of having somebody write a resume for you, showering your abilities with praise, what can you do?

I had spent about an hour filling out an application for a meteorological internship with NOAA but at the very last step, Firefox decided to die and I lost everything. I hated filling it out because I haven’t done weather in almost 2 years and my records are in storage, so when it comes to training specifics, I can’t recall them in memory or on paper, only generalized descriptions available about the job I did while I served in the Air Force. It just felt like a chore and even with help from my husband, I was dragging my heels. I gave up when the browser closed on me. Devin got upset with me, saying I should just go for it – that it couldn’t hurt. I agree it, it can’t hurt to try and just apply, but I told him I don’t know yet if weather is what I want to do ultimately. Devin made it clear that he doesn’t want me working at In-N-Out for the rest of my life. That was never my plan, but until I start school and get a feeling for what I really want to do, In-N-Out is a great place to work. Even if I did want to work there for the rest of my time, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. They’re a wonderful company and if I decided to strive and work my way up the ladder into management, etc. I could make very good money with them. Who doesn’t like In-N-Out, anyway?

I plan on registering for school this fall. I’m not sure which school yet, but I will do it. I hope I’ll figure out my real passion in life soon.

I enjoy not feeling guilty for not being in bed with Devin – he’s at my mom’s house for the night to take care of stuff for work tomorrow morning.

I just spent the past hour compiling a playlist for these hours. It’s the first playlist I’ve created in a while. I used to spend a lot of time putting them together but somewhere in the past several years, I haven’t – it’s all fallen by the wayside. I still have a bunch of my burned CDs that are pretty much my old playlists.

Dawn is breaking now, but it isn’t harsh like I usually feel dawn is since the sky is overcast. The clouds are moving rather quickly across the sky.

I’m not intending on staying up after I publish this post. Even though I’m a natural Night Owl and grew up keeping strange hours, I feel I’ve grown out of it for the most part. I never liked staying up past day break, anyway.

Okay, random post, I’ll bid you good morning. I’m off to sleep for a little while.

I just got to uploading these pictures and this photo brought tears to my eyes. It’s my dad and my mom hugging and saying goodbye to each other before he got on a bus to go to Travis AFB in Northern California – from where he’d fly to Tikrit, Iraq (with a bunch of stops on the way of course). Luckily it’s only a 4 month deployment. It’s been just over a month, so less than 3 to go!

We recently bought her some toys but she prefers playing with the plastic ring from around the cap of a milk jug. How aggravating that is! However, one thing we recently got her that I knew she would love is a cat tree. The one we got her includes a cardboard scratching pad, two levels to lay/sit on and a hanging feather toy. Let me show you!

We still don’t have a lot of stuff that’s in storage still. We need to pay for the past few months rent and then they’ll deliver our stuff. It’s primarily the larger items like our living room furniture, bedroom furniture, our washer & dryer, pots & pans, utensils and boxes of other items that I couldn’t possibly remember what’s in them. We don’t have our primary furniture, however we have our bed as well as a my dad’s old La-Z-Boy and an old, large ottoman that the cats have used as a liberal scratching post. We did a little shopping at Ikea last night and picked up a couple of chairs and a table for our balcony, and a couple of floor lamps. We originally planned to pick up a desk or two, but we wouldn’t have been able to fit the packages in our car. We’ll probably order them and have them delivered.

Our apartment is 1,000 square feet with two bedrooms, two bathrooms and a balcony. All appliances, including an all-in-one washer/dryer unit and a 43″ high definition flat screen TV, were included. The washer/dryer unit isn’t great. It’s capacity is relatively small and it takes forever for something to dry thoroughly. We have a tandem parking spot in the ground-level parking garage structure that takes up the ground level of the building. Unfortunately, our spot is in between a big support and a douche with a Corvette and a fat-ass Buick who likes to keep his Buick SUV’s ass stuck out as far as possible so we have to be uber careful every time we park to make sure we clear HIS car AND the support beam.

Another complaint I have is the people who live on the floor above us. They obviously have children, since we hear them stampeding across the ceiling like cattle constantly through the day. We’ve heard, also, what sounded like giant, heavy boxes being dropped. They’re pretty loud – but I’m kind of used to it since I’ve been home all day, every day and hear it all the while. It’s still really irritating, though.

I’m really happy living here so far. I haven’t started working at the In-N-Out here yet but Devin’s enjoying his job. I’m kind of enjoying not doing anything except lazying around all day. We only have one car, though, which keeps me cooped up in the apartment unless I decide to walk to 7-11, Starbucks, Ihop, McDonald’s or Subway. Now that we have cable & internet, I’m happy and more entertained.

Not to mention… I HAVE A NEW LAPTOP! It’s a Gateway NV5331u. It’s a big upgrade from my old laptop. The old one still works fine, if not a little slow and such – which is expected with a 4-year-old Dell laptop! It’s pretty great Right now, I’m spending time organizing my iTunes – filling in information songs are lacking and trying to get as many albums matched with artwork as possible.