Self

Invasion of the Congestion

OH. MY. GOD. My sinuses are killing me. I’m all sorts of itchy around the top area of my face. My nose has gone from random dripping to down-right streaming all the while going from one nostril to the other being stuffed up to some degree. No amount of sneezing is providing relief, nor is blowing my nose, taking decongestants or Benadryl. This has been going on since Monday.

I can’t tell if it’s a cold of sorts or allergies. I’ve never really been an allergy sufferer, so I really don’t know what the difference is. I’m just so tired of the circus going on in my head. I’m actually kind of afraid of taking the antihistamines since the last time I did, I ended up with a fucked up sense of taste, which I found is a possible side-effect.

I have to say one of the worst feelings, though, is when I’m all hyped up for a sneeze and it just … disappears. Talk about a tease! I work tonight. I really hope this shit doesn’t keep me down all night…

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Chat Logs Are Dangerous

I am a sentimental kind of person. I love to reminisce, even though it usually gets me weepy and yearning to either revisit or even relive those past times. Not to mention, thanks to my romantasising even the worst of them, if enough time has passed, there’s almost no point in the past that I wouldn’t go back to for at least a moment. I mean, looking back on chat logs between an ex-boyfriend and I about whether we would get back together… I can’t remember exactly how I was feeling back at that moment other than what was said in those conversations and what paths we took, I’m thinking now why didn’t I? Reminiscing, especially if I have physical aids, is dangerous for me *lol*

Considering I found logs burned onto a CD that go back as far as 2000(!!!!), there’s also the fact of how I just … typed. 13 years old and I definitely had the lazy grammar and bad spelling 1 that is hallmark of that age group. Not only that, but I tried to be “creative” in my bad typing. I used “yu” instead of “you”… A LOT. That’s hard to read. I feel flush with embarrassment the way I conveyed myself in some conversations. However, I can definitely see the progression I made since I have logs up to 2004. I definitely got better, let me tell you. Hell, I don’t even need these chat logs to display how awful I was with typing in the past. I have LiveJournals that show it even worse!

Now, there’s nothing like finding a conversation saved for a purpose. Lord knows the logs I have saved aren’t all the conversations I’ve had over those years. One such conversation was as casual as they come between a guy friend of mine and this friend actually happened to be an ex2. It started out unassuming and quite casual and out of nowhere, he apologizes. A simple couple of lines of an apology for having acted like an “ass” for the couple of years after we broke up. There’s little I remember about our relationship back then except certain feelings of memories, but I do remember after we broke up, I appeared to be the most annoying person on the planet to him and he made it be known. Considering this apology took place years after he’d outgrown that and we were on good terms, it took me by surprise. However, I don’t appreciate it any less, especially since I still have record of it and can stumble upon it at various random points in my life and be reminded of that moment.

Then there are the more dangerous logs that I’ve kept that are more negative or shameful than anything. Inappropriate exchanges with boys, people telling me how I ruined them3… I really can’t recall what was going through my mind when I decided to burn these logs to a disc that made me think it was a good idea to do so with these particular logs. This is where I wax philosophical… While I go through my life thinking I don’t make that much of an impact on people or in their life, perhaps I kept them to remind myself of the contrary. Though, with this particular person, my memory and certain other logs remind me that they were overly dramatic, even for most other teenagers I knew at the time.

Perhaps I should change the title to “dwelling in the past is dangerous”? Well, as long as I just take occasional visits instead of living there, what’s the harm, right? :)

  1. Yesturday, anyone? ↩
  2. Different from the aforementioned ex-boyfriend. ↩
  3. Should I feel worse that I can’t remember what I did to ruin them? I mean, it has been at least 7 years since then… ↩
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Forgiveness Is The Oil of Relationships

Something you have to forgive someone for.

I think because I grew up practically desperate for friends, I never held grudges against those who wronged me for very long. How can you keep friends if you hold grudges? There’s right and wrong to that question since holding onto those grudges can save you the trouble of staying in or going back into a relationship or friendship that was ultimately toxic. However, there’s a fine line between that and holding onto things when they really don’t matter in the big picture and the long run. We’re all human and we’ll end up making mistakes, especially against those that we care the most about, and as much as we’d expect forgiveness for our own errors, we can’t not do the same for others.

That said, I need to forgive certain people, primarily1 former friends, for being who they are and doing what they’ve done. That’s usually what causes the most turmoil between people, right? Yes, they hurt me back when, maybe without even knowing it, but they don’t hurt me anymore because I haven’t kept them in a position to do so. Except where it comes to my holding onto what they’ve done to me. Yes, things hurts and you can’t force that hurt to go away, but holding onto any additional emotion and baggage the came from that hurt will only help it linger and give it lasting power. It’s draining and unnecessary, yet I’ve found myself unable to let go of things as easily as I used to.

I could go into a whole spiel examining why I probably don’t let go of things as easily anymore, but that might be a blog for another night. 2

  1. But not all. ↩
  2. Self: Note that down for when you’re stuck. ↩
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Things Have Been Rough

There is nothing more cumbersome than not being able to escape shit when it is coming at you from multiple directions. Even worse, when shit from at least one direction just doesn’t seem to give any indication that it’ll be easing any time soon. Talk about a drag.

It’s really brought myself to the forefront and what I choices I have, what I could realistically manage on my own, and what I need to just do. However, making a plan and putting it into action is kind of difficult when you’re me because I’m queen of that kind of shit. It’s also a matter of pride, not that I have much right now. How much pride can you possibly have when you’re married to a guy that, ultimately, probably just doesn’t give a shit? I haven’t done anything that I can seriously be proud of in a while and that’s eating away at my self-confidence. I need to do something for me and soon.

One thing that helped take some of that “I’m trying but not really getting anywhere” pressure off was stepping down as an admin on Veracity. I was trying to be as helpful as I could, but the truth was, I just wasn’t. I didn’t have the experience and aptitude to take care of things to help Jenn out where she most needed it. Thankfully someone else stepped up and there’s a good team in play at various levels to help take care of things now. Communication with members is up and running and that’s always a good thing!

This week I suffered from either a flu or, I’m thinking, tonsillitis. I went to a manager’s house for a get-together and halfway through I started feeling absolutely crummy. I ignored it and stuck it out for another hour until a bunch of others started leaving and made my way home from there. When I got home, I was just overwhelmed with body aches and chills. I’m not sure if my skin feeling sensitive to everything would fall under either of those, but I had that, too. I went to work the next day not feeling as crappy, but that didn’t last long. Thankfully my shift was short and when the husband picked me up, we stopped by the supermarket to get some illness goodies. He was inside and apparently a little old lady asked him what he was looking for and he told her about his sick wife. She asked about my symptoms and from that she surmised I had the flu, so she helped him pick out some teas1, flu medicines, honey and lemons. She instructed him on what I should do with it all and wished me to feel better. What a sweet gesture! It makes me miss my mommy. She’d be doing something like that for me. I downed some NyQuil2, tried some of the tea3 and slept. Thankfully I had the next two days off. I slowly felt better day after day, but I still have issues with my tonsils and for whatever reason, my taste buds are messed up. It’s as if my bitter ones are still at 100% but all of the others have been anywhere from 25-75%. It’s kind of gross. I’d say it’s worse than having a completely stuffed up nose and not being able to tasting anything at all! I looked it up and it apparently can happen if you take too many antihistamines, which I did the first day I started treating everything in case I was having some sort of allergy attack.

Now the husband is suffering from some form of what I had. He’s coughing, though, which isn’t a symptom I was suffering from, thankfully. He had an awful day of overtime today/tonight and he came home tired and sick as hell, which strangely enough, resembled him drunk and ornery. Needless to say, I wasn’t amused at his attitude, even if he is sick and had a bad day. I actually was stuck at work for almost 2 hours after I clocked out, waiting for him to pick me up. I was getting more pissed thinking he’d gone out after work to have some fun with his friends4 but he really wasn’t let off work until almost 2 hours after I was off. Two ornery people doesn’t make for a good time, but other than the messages I sent him wondering where the eff he was, I didn’t shit on him more since he was so bad off. I hate when I want to be angry5 but I should actually be feeling sympathetic. Eugh. Talk about a conundrum.

My mom tells me that the husband and my dad are so very much alike in their personalities… I really feel for her more than ever, since they’ll be married 28 years this year. *lazy*

  1. I don’t like tea so I asked him if necessary, pick me out something fruity. ↩
  2. I had no intention of staying awake for the rest of the day feeling like I did. ↩
  3. Ew. ↩
  4. Which has been his track record lately. ↩
  5. Which I am, since one ultimately can’t help how they feel. ↩
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Forgiveness is love in its most noble form

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I need to forgive myself of my past selfishness. Not so much for having moments of selfishness1, but the inopportune moments that I allowed it to swallow me up and the embarrassing, rude, hurtful actions that have spawned from it.

Caving into childlike selfishness when I was, indeed, a child. Mourning dramatically over the fact that I was rejected, but used, by my first huge crush? Expected for any girl growing up, but that doesn’t mean I’m not embarrassed over it, especially since I completely neglected one of my best friends when she was going through a difficult time with her family.

How about abandoning another best friend at my first high school so I could satisfy my envy and desire to be with the aforementioned best friend at a different high school? I think things ultimately went well for both of us, but I never really considered how hurt she possibly was when I made the change. Not to mention, another good friend of hers had changed schools shortly before the school year ended and there was a falling out with a 3rd…

Lastly2, is the complete shattering of my relationship and trust with the husband. We both need to forgive ourselves and each other for all the wrong we’ve done in this marriage, whether we’re together to do it or not. Most of the forgiveness is reserved for what I did, however.

It’s forgiving myself for letting the ones I’ve loved the most down, because I threw all consideration for them out of the window and went head-first into my selfish desires.

  1. We are all entitled to give in. ↩
  2. Though not the last regret I shall have, I’m sure… and this list is just a primary account of the biggest things I need to forgive myself for. ↩
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