Life

This Sick Strange Darkness

After I read a comment Kylie left on my lest entry¹, I realized that my disconnect from radio & TV might be more significant than I realize. I don’t know what’s currently popular or new other than anything posted on my Facebook news feed from friends. Because of that, I decided to listen to one of the radio stations I’d be listening to if I were driving around in L.A.. I walked out of using my bathroom to hear a familiar beginning to a song and my first reaction was “I need to answer my phone!”. It was Blink-182′s “I Miss You” which was the ringtone for my ex for quite a while. Talk about an inadvertent slap from reality.

That leads me to the simple statement that I just don’t like life lately. I feel like I keep getting thrown these minor curve balls and it’s just enough to keep me struggling without being obvious about it. I’m progressing in my friendships at work and had planned on going out with a group of them on Thursday night and I was scheduled to close and I rarely am scheduled closing shifts. I’ve tried to swap with a coworker or give it away, but I’ve had no luck. I thought things were going well with bills and then I find out that unless something is taken care of by me or auto-deduct, it’s not being paid and apparently the ex just can’t handle living on a budget so things are constantly behind, even though he keeps adding on to his expenses. This is the biggest reason this divorce needs to be finalized so I can completely separate myself from his irresponsible ass and get my life on track.

A life that I’ll pretty much be starting from scratch. It’s looking like I’ll end up moving back in with my parents once the lease is up here. It’s proving difficult to find a room to rent within a decent distance of work that provides me a decent walking distance and/or access to the bus. Affordability is no concern in this ear, it’s availability and transportation. God, I miss having a car at my disposal.

I was chatting with my friend, Nessa, and she brought up how fortunate I am to have my family to always fall back on and it’s so true. There’s been no amount of help and support I’ve been denied from them for most of my life and it’s definitely been true since getting the divorce papers and being screwed on virtually everything that’s been tied to my marriage. It prompted me to realize that I’m stuck going back & forth between feeling so damn grateful for what I do have that others don’t and feeling sorry for my super shitty situation.

On a different note, the annual family vacation to the Silver Lake Resort is approaching very quickly! That’ll be a great getaway without having to worry about anything. I seriously can’t wait. I’m starting to feel more optimistic already. Time… Time heals all… I just have to remember that sometimes.

Albeit, 7 days late… ↩

Author name:: Mika
Discussion:: 2 Comments

Le Sigh

It has been over a month since I last blogged and that blog was paid for. I can’t even blame it on “life” happening because I honestly am not constantly on the go. I do have a steady social life in various mediums and on different settings, but the amount of time I sit at home, on my ass, on this computer doing absolutely nothing but chuckling and ಠ_ಠ on Reddit or YouTube is kind of ridiculous. The most productive thing I’ve managed to do is thoroughly clean my apartment’s living room. It’s seriously so clean, you guys!! I even vacuumed. Yeah, take THAT in.

I haven’t blogged because that means I have to actually think about my life and then I start having minor panic attacks on the inside. Things aren’t serious enough for them to manifest outside of my mind and chest, but I might shed a tear or two. You mean I have to think about the state of my relationship with my (ex)husband? Ew. Or how about the fact that I find my cat so damn annoying lately? I’m plagued by a lot of negative thoughts the past couple of weeks. I’m definitely on a downswing and it seems to coincide with others – or I just shines through more so than anything positive others have to say. There have been an inordinate amount of break-ups the past few weeks, though. That’s sad. I really don’t want to turn this return into a bitch fest, though, so…

Back in mid-April I visited friends & family in L.A. and I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain for the first time in YEARS with my brother and his girlfriend. It was great. They’d just opened the park to weekday use and for being so early in the season, virtually every coaster that was open was walk-on. For having spent so many years having not been on a roller coaster, that was damn amazing.

…

I think I should trademark the heavy sigh. I seem to do it even unintentionally and people wonder what’s wrong. Now that my mind’s gone blank, I’ll just leave this post at… The End.

Author name:: Mika
Discussion:: 1 Comment

I Don’t Like To Think Too Much

There have been quite a few times where I have opened up a new post page and wanted to write something, anything down, but I just haven’t. I think it comes down just not wanting to think about the random things that have been occurring in my world lately. There hasn’t been anything particularly bad, but I don’t care to have it all swarming in my head when it comes time to express it.

For one, the ex hasn’t been his typical awesome self. Ignoring me for days on end, if not an almost an entire week, and subsequently leaving me without transportation, save for my own two feet and the kindness of Jess and a few other guys on the random occasion. I honestly can’t complain too much about having to walk, primarily to work and back, since it’s the only real exercise I really get lately. I even bought a new pair of walking/running shoes to help with the aching feet, since making the 15-20 minute trek to and from in my work shoes wasn’t working out. Yes, I have other pairs of shoes to make due, but aside from a pair of running shoes I’ve had since I before I was out of the military, they weren’t too great for my feet in that respect either. They’re really light and ever-so-slightly put a literal bounce in my step. It’s kind of amazing how I forget what a good pair of shoes can feel like!

I had my first wax a few weeks ago. Not just any, though, but a full-on Brazilian! I was actually amazed that the part that I thought would hurt the most, didn’t at all! I also got a great deal for being a first-time customer. The price to maintain the wax is fairly steep at the place I went to, but I may keep it going for at least a little bit to see if it what they say is true if you keep waxing. I’m talking about the hair growing back slower, it being less painful, the growing back less itchy & annoying vs. shaving, etc. I was kind of sad that I didn’t get to put the landscaping to use, though, LOL. What a waste. It was amazing how smooth I felt and NAKED!

My best friend here, Jess, is moving about 40 minutes away, to the north. When she told me, it brought tears to my eyes on a night I already felt bad. She works closer to where she’ll be living, but she still has school down here, so I won’t NOT see her, but I definitely won’t be able to see her as often as I was, which makes me real sad.

I had a night where I had a pretty bad anxiety attack. It was brought on by learning the ex had blocked me from Facebook and he had started ignoring me completely and I was trying to figure out what to do with the divorce situation, as well as myself and how I’m going to live my life after it all. Needless to say, there are a LOT of things I need to take by the horns and tackle to get started. I think it’s a little more difficult for me since I don’t have a deadline to stick to. I think I’m motivated more by deadlines as it forces me to get things done. It didn’t help me in school, but with actual life responsibilities, it feels like a different story. One of the things I’m going to try and achieve is getting on full-time status with my job. There’s a lot of free time that I could do without having and I could definitely do with the income, especially if I’ll be living on my own in the near future!

As for other random things I’ve been thinking about, mostly prefaced by “Why…”:

… did I consider it a good idea to stay up until 6 in the morning today? It is my weekend, but I still will never really enjoy being awake while the sun rises.
… do I get myself into the strange situations with boys that I do? There’s been nothing bad, just awkward and not conducive to becoming a stronger, wiser individual.
Should I let Gunny continue to try and annoy the hell out of me in attempt to get me to feed her or give in? Eh, it’s time for another feeding, anyway. Give in, it is.
… did I think it wouldn’t be so cold out when I decided to have the rare at-home cigarette? As a person with experience in weather forecasting, I should know that the coolest part of the day is in the early morning hours.

One thing I would really like to do is get check-ups across the board. Girly bits, general health, and in particular, my tonsils! I have a hell of time with them being swollen so often, and that’s on top of them being larger than normal anyway. I also have problems with tonsilloliths¹, especially since they actually cause some bleeding when I managed to dislodge them and I’m sure they don’t help with my breath. Talk about some appetizing conversation for breakfast, huh? I don’t get large ones like some of the examples provided on the wiki page, but they’re numerous and it’s not fun.

Tonsil stones. They’re gross and uncomfortable! ↩

Author name:: Mika
Discussion:: No Comments

I Don’t Do Titles

Worked sucked today. More specifically, the customers did. I had a couple of blatantly rude guys come through the drive through, which honestly, isn’t all that common. While they didn’t necessarily get to me, a combination of them and other not-so-awesome customers just wouldn’t let me come out of the grump mood I was put into. I’m finding it’s becoming harder to “fake it until I make it”, especially when I’m stuck in that one position consistently and all day long. I can’t lie, though, I did decline the offer of a different position I’m also not fond of and stayed in the hole. That was for the last half of my shift, so I can only blame myself for that much.

According to some of my Facebook friends, though, I wasn’t the only one who experienced poor customers today. It seemed like something was in the air today.

After all of that, I wanted to decompress with a certain vice. While I would normally aim for going to a bar to get a good buzz going, that’s not what I was really wanting. Unfortunately, I don’t really have a go-to source for the type of… uh… exercise I wanted :lol: Damn.

I made the trek to and from work on foot today. While it sprinkled a tad initially on my way home and was pretty damn cold, too, they weren’t bad walks. I treated myself to a hazelnut hot chocolate from Starbucks on my home, 1) because I have a gift card kind of burning a hole in my wallet and 2) it would help keep my hand(s) warm for the last half of my walk. I should’ve gone for an espresso drink, though. Coffee brings me peace, as weird as that may sound. While I may be energized after I’ve finished drinking it, in the mean time, it just calms and kind of centers me. I definitely could have used that after work.

Jess picked me up after class tonight and we went to Target, followed by going to her house where she grilled some steaks and I made potatoes au gratin. It was pretty damn delicious and it was the perfect answer to the everyday question of “what am I going to have for dinner?” I have stuff to cook, but the meat that’s been in the refrigerator has turned brown so I think I’ll have to throw it out and everything else is frozen. Now I’m home, with a decent amount of sleep in my eyes, but I have stuff on my mind that I wish wasn’t there. The kind of stuff that just sits there, torturing me. It’s not bad per se, but it definitely doesn’t make me feel good. Ah, crushes… Yup. Stupid crushes.

Author name:: Mika
Discussion:: No Comments

I’m Tangled Up

I’m having fun lately. I’ve changed my status on Facebook to “single” and that got all sorts of comments and “likes”, not to mention a few private messages from a couple of guys. That was definitely amusing.

I haven’t really been home and sitting still by myself in several days and I can tell you that I don’t like it. It just gives me too much time to let my mind over think, making me sad or angry. I just spent the past hour or so reorganizing my Facebook photo albums and pruning some photos, especially now that I’m trying to figure out what to do with the memorabilia from my relationship with Devin. For instance, I’ve merged any album that was him-specific with more general albums. I’ll need to start an ex-box soon, too.