I joined a group of Facebook for the training squadron I was in during Tech School. Subsequently, I looked through the list of folks who had already joined and I went through some of the photo albums of people I had known during that time. The albums were either of their time during Tech School or when they went back for Observer school and I felt a wave a regret. Particularly while browsing the latter album(s).
I felt ashamed of how I had made everything harder for myself during that time in training. I decided to focus my energy on hating my 2nd roommate (who was also a classmate) and on being more frustrated with not being able to pass my PT tests when I needed to in order to receive more liberties to go off base, have my curfew extended, etc. Eventually I made the best of my lack of liberty by become a chapel (white) rope. This consisted of me volunteering my time to the Chaplains who were assigned to the training squadrons who helped organize activities on base, in a rec area called The Fishbowl. The activities included game and movie nights, talent shows and other such things that kept us out of trouble (like drinking under age – which was a large problem on base). I eventually made my way to Head white rope and helped to organize other white ropes’ volunteer shifts, promoting the program and activities we did, opening & closing The Fishbowl and other managerial-type duties. I’m proud of myself for that.
However, I didn’t make very many friends within my own squadron and I didn’t try hard enough during my later years in the Air Force to be able to continue my training and go back to Mississippi. The fact is, I spent more time being miserable than being productive and taking control of my inherent laziness to become the best Airman I could be. I excelled in certain areas, but not the ones that really counted in the end.
I’m pretty sure this entry is one large rambling session, but that’s how it feels in my mind. Overall, I’m not happy with all that I’ve done and who I am now. I could be so much more, I could be happier, I could be a whole lot more successful. If only I would stop getting in my own way and letting self-defeat take over. I make mountains of mole hills and unless it’s easy and natural to me, I just end up giving up. This has been true for most of my life and now that I’m older, it’s only more distinct and obvious what my failures are. Even if they’re only apparent to me, they’re there.
“…are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
’cause it’s all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you’re writing your tragedy…
so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in…
…it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown”
It used to be over an hour! Yay San Diego! I love you more and more 
